I’ll never forget the morning I broke the news to my mother that my son, Niam, was shot and was in the hospital. In an instant, she was up and dressed and ready to go to the hospital. As we entered the room my mother walked right over to Niam and gently looked over him with tears in her eyes and said, “What makes me upset the most you were finally on the right road.” As she left the room I could see the tears rolling down her face.
After the funeral and things seemed to go back to a new normal, the grief began to set in. We were all short with one another. To most of the world, we tried to mask our true feelings but around grandmom, we would cry our hearts out.
When grandmom cries you never are prepared for this, because grandmothers hold the family together. One tear will slowly fall and then a stream of tears will follow at the thought that her grandchild won’t walk through the door again. There are a lot of groups here in Philadelphia that will assist the mother, father, siblings and the children but we lack the support of the grandparents. I wonder why?
A lot of active grandparents have poured themselves into their grandchildren’s lives and suffer in silence because of the loss. Since I’ve been walking this new walk, I haven’t found a support group that caters to the needs of grandparents. Unfortunately, some grandparents die from a broken heart, maybe it caused them to have a heart attack that they didn’t survive. Some may stop eating, get sick, and suddenly pass away really fast. As the family goes through their personal effects, they always find pictures and letters to their grandchild.
How can we assist others as we are going through the pain and grief? I tell people to talk with your loved ones about what they are feeling, get involved in their lives, invite them to lunch with you or go have lunch with them. Invite them to a counseling session with you if you attend or ask them if they want to go. Begin to incorporate new traditions mixed in with tributes of your loved ones and keep them busy.
When grandmom cries we all feel it no matter what but what if they don’t cry? Again that’s alright, they may not cry in front of you, they might cry behind closed doors so you won’t see it. They may not want to talk about the memories they have of their grandchild but when they bring them up listen and engaged in the conversation with them.
A lot of times our parents their grandparents feel they have to be strong for the family but now I understand I don’t know what “strong” means. I get up every day and place one foot in front of the other praying I can make it through the day.
Does strong mean you can’t cry, is it a sign of weakness? I tell people to allow the tears to flow, it takes more energy to walk around trying to keep those tears in rather than allowing them to flow out therefore you are strong even when you cry!!!!
Kimberly Kamara is the author of “Where’s My Daddy,” a children’s book aimed at kids who’ve lost a parent to murder. The book was inspired by her family’s continuing journey of grief after her son, Niam Johnson-Tate, lost his life to gun violence on July 5, 2017. Kimberly has two daughters and lives in Germantown with her husband.
