The daylight starts disappearing earlier in the day, the air gets colder and invitations start piling up for gatherings we always thought would be a joyous celebration. The calculation is different for those of us who lost a loved one.
The grief never really stops, but it doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to laugh during the holidays—even if it’s only to laugh at yourself.
As I continue to live without my son, Niam, my mind continues to wonder why am I in this life changing situation and why does it hurt so bad? Let me begin to tell you at one point I felt like I was the only one in this place and I began to talk and release what I was feeling not caring what anyone had to say.
We feel that as people we have to be strong, save ourselves from feeling hopeless, vulnerable or even being a burden on others but why? Is it because we were raised to hide our emotions, feelings, hurt, or pain? Is it a sign of weakness that we hide our true feelings and fight within ourselves to hide our tears and run away when we feel that tears run down our cheek?
How do we get past feeling sorry for ourselves, how do we get the pain out without worrying about what others will say?
For years I distanced myself from others after my son’s murder. I felt sorry for myself, I felt ashamed, I felt scared, and in shock. I constantly worried what others thought and said about my family. I felt safe in the confines of my home. I didn’t want to answer questions; I didn’t want to hear comforting words that people always would say which was, “God won’t put more on you than what you can bear.”
I wanted to control my little world and I did but was I really living life?
As we celebrate the Holidays please be kind to yourself!!! That’s the first thing. Some may ask how do you be kind to yourself? It can be as simple as forgiving yourself and stop blaming yourself. Stop asking the question, why. Stop avoiding people. Get back into your social life one step at a time, one gathering per month until you feel that you can do more. Re-learn to laugh again, and not feel guilty because you are laughing and learning to live again. I know it’s hard but you can do it.
Last year at my families Thanksgiving, I fell and slid across the room while playing a game we saw on TikTok. At first the room went silent and I just busted out laughing and then everyone laughed with me and at me. It felt so good to laugh again.
I laughed for about two hours at myself as I watched the video over and over again. It was refreshing to hear myself laugh again, it was refreshing to smile again, it was refreshing to live again. Guess what it was me again. Everyone ran up to me and asked if I was alright and I just laughed with them. I forgot what my laugh sounded like, I forgot how to smile again, and how to be happy again. I even posted the video on my Facebook and I remixed it to Thriller by Michael Jackson.
What I learned from that day was its alright to hurt, feel grief, disappointment but don’t stay in that space. Give yourself days to feel those emotions and then push yourself to enjoy the rest of your life. It doesn’t mean you forgot about your child but we have to re-learn how to live again.
As you go through the first or the few years of your child not being with you in the flesh learn to create new memories as you honor your child.
For Thanksgiving make his/her favorite dish, give back to the community, or make a donation in your child’s name. For Christmas, make ornaments with your child picture on it, invite some of your child’s friends over and talk about the good times all of you shared together.
Just learn to love, live, and laugh again it will lighten the load.
Kimberly Kamara is the author of “Where’s My Daddy,” a children’s book aimed at kids who’ve lost a parent to murder. The book was inspired by her family’s continuing journey of grief after her son, Niam Johnson-Tate, lost his life to gun violence on July 5, 2017. Kimberly has two daughters and lives in Germantown with her husband.
