As we usher in the New Year, many are making New Year’s resolutions while families of murder victims are trying to make it to our next hour.
Our children remain on our minds more than ever now due to the world slowing down because of COVID-19. As I continue this journey, I’ve talked to others that have lost their child and found that it doesn’t matter how long ago that your child was murdered, the pain remains as if it just happened.
Some parents can remember every detail, while others can’t because once they heard the news, their mind went. Someone explained it to me as being in the movie “Groundhog Day,” but without the comedy.
As we continue down this path, we must remember self care and the importance of loving yourself more during this time. It’s alright to grieve, but it’s also alright to continue to live your life. We must not get stuck in a spiraling cycle of self-destruction that can lead to illness, depression, alcoholism, drug abuse, or other addictions which will make matters worse.
The first six months after my son’s murder, I drank because I thought it soothed me and I would be able to forget. Now, looking back, those six months of me drinking only intensified the pain.
I put the recycling bin out one day and it was filled with liquor and beer bottles, and I said, “Okay, Kim, get it together now” because I was embarrassed. I cared about what others thought about me, especially my children and my mother. I took it further and said I know the sanitation workers are talking about this household and the bottles in the trash each week.
When I look back I would say I spent an easy $200 a week on liquor and beer without even counting the different events I went to where I bought more alcohol to drink away my pain.
The list goes on and on about why I needed a drink, but the real reason was I didn’t want to face the reality that my baby was murdered.
Is this normal, one may ask? Of course it is. Before you begin a destructive path, I need to warn you of the harm you may cause yourself and your family.
Like any other form of self- destruction, you don’t see it clearly. It becomes a part of your everyday life. You depend more and more on it until it crosses into your professional life. I’ve always been an occasional drinker and drinking everyday was not me.
But I made excuses to drink, such as that traffic gave me a headache and I need a drink, work was so stressful, I need a drink. The list goes on and on about why I needed a drink, but the real reason was I didn’t want to face the reality that my baby was murdered.
Like many parents, we want to protect our children from any harm they may face, and I felt like I failed my son. I wasn’t there to protect him. When I realized I was making excuses for my drinking, I stopped so that I could become a better me. Of course I still drink on occasions.
As you’re on this journey, take time out for doing things you enjoy. I love taking long hot bubble baths to relax my body and mind. I like taking walks and vacations just to get away. A long drive relaxes me, especially visiting places I’ve never been before. I also like learning new things because of the challenge and it occupies my mind.
There are times I feel like the world around me is moving too fast. When my world gets like this, I become frustrated and have to sneak away for a couple of hours just to clear my head.
I never want to take my frustrations out on another person, so I will seclude myself by cutting my phone off, taking long walks in a far park so I don’t run into anyone I know, I’ll drive around going nowhere just to get out of the house.
Lastly, when you’re going through a rough time, use your support system, please. It’s alright not to be alright all of the time. It’s alright to be the one who needs a shoulder to lean, or cry on. It’s alright because one day you will be alright, but until then, get it out. Instead of making resolutions, set goals for yourself and see them through.
Kimberly Kamara is the author of “Where’s My Daddy,” a children’s book aimed at kids who’ve lost a parent to murder. The book was inspired by her family’s continuing journey of grief after her son, Niam Johnson-Tate, lost his life to gun violence on July 5, 2017. Kimberly has two daughters and lives in Germantown with her husband.
