February is the month of love, and I can’t help but to think back to Valentine’s Day when my three children were younger. I would make a big deal of the holiday because my father made it a big deal for me, so I had to keep the tradition going. It was very important for me to let my children know how much they were and are loved.
Each year, I would buy each child a box of chocolates, a card and a stuffed animal that they loved. I never will forget the year I placed those same items in my daughters’ rooms, and went to Niam’s room with his gifts. As I tiptoed into his room without any socks and shoes on my feet, a piece of glass went in my foot and I could feel the blood gushing out. I tried to stay quiet, but Niam and my nephew Ray were awoken by muffled sounds of me screaming.
Niam turned on the light and saw the tears flowing down my face. My nephew jumped up and took the gifts out of my hands as they guided me to the bed. Niam and Ray took the glass out of my foot and apologized for not cleaning it up. I didn’t make a big deal out of it, but in the middle of the night I had to go to the emergency room because the cut wouldn’t stop bleeding. The doctor placed me on bed rest, and Niam and Ray made sure they took care of me each day until my foot healed.
As parents, we all have beautiful memories of our children, but to lose your father is another story. My son left behind a child, and his little boy will never get the chance to receive a Valentine’s Day gift from his dad.
I realize one day my grandson will have many questions for me about his father. I’m preparing myself to answer them to the best of my ability because he has a right to know.
It breaks my heart to see the children suffer in silence without an outlet. We must change the narrative and allow our grandchildren to express themselves. Allow them to ask you questions about their parent. Allow them to talk to you about how they feel and what they are missing out on. Allow these raw emotions to come out because we don’t want an angry generation of fatherless children growing up hurt.
It’s all right to place your grandchild into counseling because they will receive the assistance they need now, so when they become teenagers they will know how to express themselves in a healthy manner as well as continue to grow and mature.
Stanley Crawford of the Black Male Community Council of Philadelphia shared a letter with me that his 16-year-old granddaughter Samira wrote in memory of her father, William.
As I read this letter, my eyes began to fill with tears, and by the end I was crying uncontrollably. You see, Samira was able to express her raw feelings about her father’s death from her own perspective. Someone else thought her father’s life meant nothing, but you can clearly see he was an intricate part of his daughter’s life and that of many family members and friends.
Samira, I publicly want to applaud you for your words of wisdom. I need you to know although your father is not here on earth with you he is forever in your heart. Know that you have a family that prays, cries, and loves you. Know that you are important and know you have touched many hearts with this open letter.
For my grieving parents, know we still have parenting to do with our grandchildren, who are crying out for help.
Kimberly Kamara is the author of “Where’s My Daddy,” a children’s book aimed at kids who’ve lost a parent to murder. The book was inspired by her family’s continuing journey of grief after her son, Niam Johnson-Tate, lost his life to gun violence on July 5, 2017. Kimberly has two daughters and lives in Germantown with her husband.
